


If a Lie May Do Thee Grace

by Thistlerose



Category: A Separate Peace - John Knowles
Genre: M/M, Missing Scene, Remix, Unresolved Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-01-03
Updated: 2011-01-03
Packaged: 2017-10-14 09:37:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,384
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/147890
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thistlerose/pseuds/Thistlerose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"He just gets the sense that nothing he does penetrates very deeply. Gene crouches deep inside his skin, and no amount of jostling on Phineas's part can tempt him to the surface."</p>
            </blockquote>





	If a Lie May Do Thee Grace

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [To Speak Is To Lie](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/2164) by Musesfool. 



The thing about Gene is, he's damn near impossible to touch. Not physically; Phineas is always tackling Gene, or kicking his ankle under the desk during classes, or tousling his hair. That's easy. He just gets the sense that nothing he does penetrates very deeply. Gene crouches deep inside his skin, and no amount of jostling on Phineas's part can tempt him to the surface.

Which doesn't stop Phineas from trying. It's a game, but very different from the ones they play on the athletic fields. Phineas senses that, though he doesn't quite understand it.

All he really knows is that he likes being around Gene. He has better ideas when he's with Gene. They're like hands, the two of them. Or eyes. They go together. They're better together. Nearly every wild thing that Phineas does is for Gene. The tablecloth, the tie that became a belt, blitzball, the pool, the tree. The stupid tree.

 _Let's do this. Whatever it is, we're in it together, so it's all right. We'll make it up as we go._

And Gene looks at him, and even as he looks, Phineas knows that Gene is withdrawing, edging back, retreating, and he doesn't understand.

Phineas tries to explain. It seems like the right time. "I hope you're having a pretty good time here," he says as they lie in the sand. "I know I kind of dragged you away at the point of a gun, but after all you can't come to the shore with just anybody and you can't come by yourself, and at this teenage period in life the proper person is your best pal."

He draws a deep breath, filling his lungs with the sharp, tickly air. He's exhausted and chilled, despite the warm sand beneath his belly. He swam so hard today, first in the pool, then in the ocean, and it's finally caught up with him. He was looking for Gene, thinking that if he could just get cold enough, he'd understand. Become Gene, and figure out what's going on in there. Gene seems so cold sometimes.

Phineas can't say that, of course. It's too odd. What he says, finally, is, "Which is what you are," and then he leaves it at that.

Gene is quiet. Phineas has given him all he can right now, and thinks it may be enough. It should be enough. He drops his head onto his folded arms and falls asleep to the sound of the waves murmuring down the beach, and of Gene breathing heavily, somewhere close by in the dark.

*

It's odd when they're up in the tree. Phineas feels the air weave around his bare torso. Far below, the Devon School sprawls in shades of green and brick red. The last rays of sunlight warm his shoulders and the back of his neck. Beneath his feet, the branch jounces.

Phineas is Devon's best athlete; he might have caught his balance. Instead, he turns to look at Gene, who is still clinging to the tree's massive trunk, his knees slightly bent.

They are only a few feet apart; they might have touched if either had reached for the other. But in the instant before he falls, Phineas sees the battlefield spring between them, strewn with ash and bones.

Then the world tips and Phineas falls inexorably to the earth.

*

Afterward, Phineas has trouble remembering exactly what happened. Sometimes Gene is with him in the tree, sometimes right beside him, sometimes clinging to trunk; sometimes he's standing on the grass below, watching him. Sometimes it seems to him that a sudden gust of wind must have knocked him over; other times, he knows that there had been a breeze, but it had been barely strong enough to rustle the leaves. The more he thinks about it, the less clear it becomes. It's something of a relief when Gene comes to see him in the infirmary, and asks what happened, because if Gene doesn't know either, Phineas isn't going crazy.

"I just fell," Phineas says, watching Gene's face. Gene looks exhausted; his face is pale and his eyes are bloodshot, like he's been crying. A foolish thing for Gene to do, considering that things are going to be all right. Phineas knows this even as he fumbles for words. "I thought I could reach out and get hold of you."

He'd tried, hadn't he? He must have tried. He's been trying all summer to reach Gene; he must have tried in the tree.

Gene's reaction is unexpectedly violent. "To drag me down!" he flings back, flinching.

Phineas continues to study him, and to hold what happened - or what must have happened – in his mind. Everything is going to be all right, he thinks. But there's a stirring of panic in his stomach. His words are as clumsy as his thoughts, as his body feels, lying in this stupid infirmary bed.

"To get hold of you," he says. "So I wouldn't fall off."

"Yes, naturally." Gene looks ill. "I tried, remember? I reached out, but you were gone…"

Phineas wishes he could remember that.

*

It was never a conscious decision to make Gene an extension of himself, and for a time Phineas isn't even aware of what he's doing. All he knows, when he returns to Devon in the winter of 1942, is that Gene must not enlist with Brinker Hadley and the others. Aloud, Phineas insists that there _is_ no war going on, so what's the point of enlisting in the army? He says the same thing over and over, silently, to himself, and there are times when he almost believes it.

It's easier to believe when Gene believes, and Phineas tells himself that Gene really does believe, that he's not just playing along. Gene will _not_ enlist. The war is an elaborate hoax, and in all the world, only Phineas and Gene will go undeceived. Under Phineas's tutelage, Gene will become Devon's star athlete, and will go on to qualify for the 1944 Olympics, which will take place simply because they must.

All of Phineas's ambitions will be realized through Gene. That is the only way he can bear things.

*

Sometimes, on nights when he can't sleep because his leg feels odd and twitchy beneath the blanket, and when Gene is asleep and breathing evenly on the other side of the room, Phineas's mind wanders. It skirts dangerous territory, realms where Phineas might actually be trying to punish Gene for what happened in the tree that summer.

But nothing happened. It was an accident. It seems to Phineas that Gene once tried to tell him different, but that must be as imaginary as the war. For it not to have been an accident, Gene would have to harbor just a little hatred for Phineas, and that can't be because Gene loves Phineas.

 _If you really love something,_ he told Gene once, as they plodded through the snow to the gym, _then it loves you back, in whatever way it has to love._

He'd been talking about the winter, but he'd meant Gene. Or perhaps he'd meant himself. He's not always sure, now, who is who.

It must be true, though. Hadn't they reached for each other in the tree? Hadn't they reached for each other in their room, on the night Phineas returned to Devon? Phineas doesn't remember moving, but he must have. He'd been acutely aware of the quick rise and fall of Gene's chest beneath the sweat-stained undershirt, and of the way Gene's long fingers had flexed as if about to grasp something.

One day, Phineas tells himself as he stares at the dark ceiling, it will happen. They'll reach for each other at the same time and they will meet.

*

In the end, it is Phineas who shrinks from the truth that Brinker Hadley forces to light, and Gene who crosses the battlefield that comes roaring back between them. He offers words and a touch – only one, to Phineas's shaking hand – but they are enough to bind up what's been shattered.

Gene is gone by the time Dr. Stanpole arrives to perform the surgery on Phineas's leg. "Do not be afraid," Dr. Stanpole says gently, before putting him under.

Phineas is not afraid, though he was before Gene came to see him.

03/11/06


End file.
